I have gratitude today for...
* a beautiful morning for driving across FL. I dropped John off at the airport around 8:30 and headed to Port St. Lucie. The drive was gorgeous! It was a lot like the country part of our drive from Jacksonville to Ft. Myers. Beautiful open farm land, more cows than you can imagine and no traffic. I listened to my iPod on random (25,000 songs) so I heard a little bit of everything. 
* finding a cute place with an outdoor patio to meet Melany for lunch in Port St. Lucie West. It was pretty incredible to see her after all these years (15)! It felt like no time had passed, and now I regret it took me so long to reach out. We have, and always have had, so much in common. I think it's pretty cool after so much time, we were able to talk about real-life things with each other. We are hoping to get together when she comes to NJ in June. 
* an easy hour and a half drive from Port St. Lucie to Cocoa Beach. It was cute when I got there, the kids didn't know I was coming so they were surprised. 
* drinking wine and hanging out with Jeff & Megan. We had black bean nachos and guacamole for dinner. It was really good and I'll definitely try making the same thing at home. Of course I'm telling myself I have to do a few weeks (at least) of clean eating before summer starts. 
* Jeff being ok when he fell of the top of the car trying to get on the roof "because the view is so cool". I'll pretty much do anything but it didn't seem like a good idea to me. As I was going to check it out he fell and I was really worried he hit his head. He didn't and he was fine---he was very lucky.

Where I am Right Now...(2/21)

I sent out the email below to some of my girlfriends last week. I was trying to alleviate some of the guilt I have been feeling by not being in touch. I think I was also trying to teach myself everyone is the same boat. It wasn't that I thought people wouldn't understand, but I still wanted them to know where I've been and what the last few months have been like for me.

I'm posting it here too---so I can remind myself of how I was feeling during this time, and that it's ok to not be everything to everyone when you simply can't be, whatever the reason.

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I hate sending out mass emails, I really do. But, I've been wanting to
send a message like this for quite some time and this was the easiest
way to tell each of you the same thing at the same time.

Some of you know back in August I was presented with a difficult work
situation---they were basically telling me I was going to lose my job
or I had to commit to moving to Chicago this spring. Andy & I
discussed the options and decided we would agree to relocating within
6-9 months. In the meantime, I took over our Mid-America territory
(covering IL, WI, MN, NE, IA, CO, TX, ND, SD, OK, MO & KS---yes,
INSANE)

Since then, I have been traveling non-stop. Thank God we were able to
fit in a great Aruba vacation in November and a trip to FL in January.
Without those trips I think I'd officially be going crazy. Aside from
being home for a few weeks in December around the holidays, I've only
spent a few days here and there at home. I try to laugh and say I have
a beautiful storage unit---because that's more or less what my house
feels like these days.

Currently I'm at a crossroads. In the beginning I thought moving to
Chicago sounded like a fun adventure. As time goes by and the 'must
move by date' approaches we have been reconsidering. At this time in
our lives it doesn't feel right. We are obviously both very close to
our families, and of course our friends that live in the area as well.
We talk about having children and I can't imagine going through my
first pregnancy living so far from my mom, sister and closest friends.
There have also been changes at my company that have caused me to have
some concern about moving as well. So, we have all of that to figure
out.

The reason I'm writing is because I've been carrying around a lot of
guilt. You guys are the friends that know me best, so you probably
aren't surprised. I try to be everything I can for everyone that needs
me. I genuinely miss my friends when months go by and I don't get to
see them. I've been feeling bad about not sending Christmas cards or
sending birthday cards late. I know I've texted some of you at
midnight, 30 seconds before your birthday was over, to prove I didn't
forget. Some of you didn't even get that from me this year.

I don't call as much and read emails while in airports,
hotels, in traffic, or multi-tasking and then forget I even read the
email and never reply. I feel like I'm all over the place, all of the
time. I'm home so rarely that when I am home I want to spend time with
Andy, for whom I know all of this has not been easy (but he's been
great and knows it will all work out in the end). I'm trying to make
sure I see my Mom & Dad when I can and I'm also the Maid of Honor in
my sister Kelly's wedding. I don't know if I could be stretched any
thinner.

I know we're all busy, it's hard to make time for everyone. Some of us
have kids, some have crazy jobs, etc. I've always been able to handle
it all, while (usually) still smiling. I love planning get togethers
and cooking for friends. I miss doing those things. These days I spend
my time at home doing 11 days worth of laundry and then packing a
suitcase, then repeating the process all over again.

I don't want this to come across as me complaining---really, I just
wanted to let you all know I think of you way more often than you hear
from me. I miss seeing you and catching up. I have a great life, and
realize I made the choice to try and make this work. I didn't know
traveling this much would take such a toll on me. And the guilt just
adds to the pressure I constantly already feel.

I'm trying to figure things out, and hope there is a way to find a
better balance. My goal is to keep my position at GlobalOptions if
they would let me continue working based in Philly. We'll see what
happens.

I am grateful for Facebook because it helps me feel connected to those
of you that have an account. Facebook is something I can look at for 2
minutes and learn a little bit about what's happening with you. Email
is second best, I can return emails at 1am---I don't think most of you
would appreciate me calling at 1am. :-) Changing time zones a couple

times a week makes it even more fun!

If you're interesting in keeping up with my travels you can check out my blog, www.amilliongoodintentions.blogspot.com.

I'm behind on that too but should be caught up by this weekend. Let me know what's happening with you too!

When things slow down next month I am hoping to have a "I never get to
see my friends" party--maybe for St. Patty's Day or something? In the
meantime, know I'm thinking about you.

Love,
Christine

I have gratitude today for...

* making breakfast when we got up in the morning. French toast, bacon,
scrambled eggs and English muffins.
* having help packing the car with all of our crap for this weekend. Usually I'm doing it all myself.

                      ***Thoughts about Sandy Hook Elementary***

As we were on our way to pick up Andy from his office Ben mentioned there had been a shooting at an elementary school in CT. My first thoughts were of our nieces and nephew in Greenwich but I quickly learned the shooting did not take place in Greenwich. Then I thought to myself "are little kids bringing guns to school and shooting each other? That can't be possible." followed by "this was an adult, this was some psychotic adult that barged into a school and started shooting. Maybe it was a parent gone mad?" It's amazing how many thoughts you can have running through your mind in so little time.

 

We learned bits and pieces of what happened as time went on---some of the information initially reported was incorrect. It didn't matter. 20 children, 5 teachers and 1 principal were killed...senselessly, for no reason at all. I just can't imagine. It's numbing, it made me feel sick inside. We are all feeling the same way.

 

How can I say there was anything good about this day? How can I when 20 sets of parents lost their babies this morning? How can I be excited about a road trip to C'Ville with friends to see our favorite band? That I get to work from home and I was able to work while being in the car on our way to a really fun weekend?

 

I wasn't sure what I was going to write today for my gratitude entry. But I guess the whole point is finding the good in our days, even when they are dark. Being thankful for every happy moment we have and knowing it can all end in an instant. Appreciating time with friends & family and having the means to do things like travel and go to concerts. My gratitude blog is to record what I am grateful for---the little things that happen every day that remind me there is always good somewhere out there.

 

My heart is crushed for the families and friends of those that were killed. I ache for their community and our society as a whole. There is too much that is broken and we need to help heal each other. I don't know what else to say right now, and I know this will weigh on me indefinitely, as it will so many others. 

 

Below are the things I was grateful for today after we heard about the shooting. Some of them are silly like a great hoagie for lunch. I am always grateful for the people in my life that love and support me, and bring fun and light to my days.

* Primos for lunch
* hitting minimal traffic during our drive to Charlottesville.
* having some time to relax before we left for dinner/show. I was
tired all day from staying up so late the last two nights.
* Chipotle---quick, fresh, easy, inexpensive and so good!
* a great time at the show! Loved the set and had a great time with
Andy, Dave, Ben, Ian and Ashley.

* Dave mentioning the shooting before playing Mercy. That song gets to me on so many levels. I wrote about it when Hurricane Sandy was happening and it seems to hit home even more after what happened today in CT. I think we all felt comforted when he acknowledged what had happened---it was a very weird feeling to be having such a good time knowing there are so many people grieving tonight.
* hanging out after the show in our hotel room--listening to music and
eating junk food (those calories don't count after midnight, right?)

Hurricane Sandy (from a distance): Part II

Mercy

 

Don’t give up, I know you can see
All the world and the mess that we’re making
Can’t give up and hope God will intercede
Come on back, imagine that we could get it together

Stand up for what we need to be
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child
Can’t lay down and wait for a miracle to change things
So lift up your eyes, lift up your heart
Singing

Mercy, will we overcome this
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Me and you, and you, and you
just wanna be free, yeah, yeah
But you see
all the world is just as we’ve made it
And until we got a new world I’ve got to say
That love is not a whisper or a weakness
No, love is strong, and we got to get together
Yeah, gotta get, gotta get, gotta get
‘Til there is no reason to fight

Mercy, will we overcome this
Yeah, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Mercy, will we overcome this
Have we come too far to turn it around
Is it ask too much to be a little bit stronger
‘Cause I wanna give you what you need

Mercy, what will become of us
Yeah, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

 

~Dave Matthews
 

When I first really listened to the lyrics of this song, I knew they would end up representing something big. I said to Andy "this song is about changing the world." Little did I know it would be the world in our own backyard. I heard this song today driving from Austin to Dallas on the open highway on a bright sunny day. I've been big time homesick this week. People have said to me I was lucky to get away before the storm, I disagree. I've probably slept less than most people at home because I can not stop watching CNN and coverage of NY & NJ. Although I definitely consider PA home now, part of me belongs to NY and part of me belongs to NJ. I feel so helpless and I can't wait to do something. It is truly nauseating to see the destruction all along Sandy's path. I think this song should be our anthem right now, we can turn it all around together.