Where I am Right Now...(2/21)

I sent out the email below to some of my girlfriends last week. I was trying to alleviate some of the guilt I have been feeling by not being in touch. I think I was also trying to teach myself everyone is the same boat. It wasn't that I thought people wouldn't understand, but I still wanted them to know where I've been and what the last few months have been like for me.

I'm posting it here too---so I can remind myself of how I was feeling during this time, and that it's ok to not be everything to everyone when you simply can't be, whatever the reason.

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I hate sending out mass emails, I really do. But, I've been wanting to
send a message like this for quite some time and this was the easiest
way to tell each of you the same thing at the same time.

Some of you know back in August I was presented with a difficult work
situation---they were basically telling me I was going to lose my job
or I had to commit to moving to Chicago this spring. Andy & I
discussed the options and decided we would agree to relocating within
6-9 months. In the meantime, I took over our Mid-America territory
(covering IL, WI, MN, NE, IA, CO, TX, ND, SD, OK, MO & KS---yes,
INSANE)

Since then, I have been traveling non-stop. Thank God we were able to
fit in a great Aruba vacation in November and a trip to FL in January.
Without those trips I think I'd officially be going crazy. Aside from
being home for a few weeks in December around the holidays, I've only
spent a few days here and there at home. I try to laugh and say I have
a beautiful storage unit---because that's more or less what my house
feels like these days.

Currently I'm at a crossroads. In the beginning I thought moving to
Chicago sounded like a fun adventure. As time goes by and the 'must
move by date' approaches we have been reconsidering. At this time in
our lives it doesn't feel right. We are obviously both very close to
our families, and of course our friends that live in the area as well.
We talk about having children and I can't imagine going through my
first pregnancy living so far from my mom, sister and closest friends.
There have also been changes at my company that have caused me to have
some concern about moving as well. So, we have all of that to figure
out.

The reason I'm writing is because I've been carrying around a lot of
guilt. You guys are the friends that know me best, so you probably
aren't surprised. I try to be everything I can for everyone that needs
me. I genuinely miss my friends when months go by and I don't get to
see them. I've been feeling bad about not sending Christmas cards or
sending birthday cards late. I know I've texted some of you at
midnight, 30 seconds before your birthday was over, to prove I didn't
forget. Some of you didn't even get that from me this year.

I don't call as much and read emails while in airports,
hotels, in traffic, or multi-tasking and then forget I even read the
email and never reply. I feel like I'm all over the place, all of the
time. I'm home so rarely that when I am home I want to spend time with
Andy, for whom I know all of this has not been easy (but he's been
great and knows it will all work out in the end). I'm trying to make
sure I see my Mom & Dad when I can and I'm also the Maid of Honor in
my sister Kelly's wedding. I don't know if I could be stretched any
thinner.

I know we're all busy, it's hard to make time for everyone. Some of us
have kids, some have crazy jobs, etc. I've always been able to handle
it all, while (usually) still smiling. I love planning get togethers
and cooking for friends. I miss doing those things. These days I spend
my time at home doing 11 days worth of laundry and then packing a
suitcase, then repeating the process all over again.

I don't want this to come across as me complaining---really, I just
wanted to let you all know I think of you way more often than you hear
from me. I miss seeing you and catching up. I have a great life, and
realize I made the choice to try and make this work. I didn't know
traveling this much would take such a toll on me. And the guilt just
adds to the pressure I constantly already feel.

I'm trying to figure things out, and hope there is a way to find a
better balance. My goal is to keep my position at GlobalOptions if
they would let me continue working based in Philly. We'll see what
happens.

I am grateful for Facebook because it helps me feel connected to those
of you that have an account. Facebook is something I can look at for 2
minutes and learn a little bit about what's happening with you. Email
is second best, I can return emails at 1am---I don't think most of you
would appreciate me calling at 1am. :-) Changing time zones a couple

times a week makes it even more fun!

If you're interesting in keeping up with my travels you can check out my blog, www.amilliongoodintentions.blogspot.com.

I'm behind on that too but should be caught up by this weekend. Let me know what's happening with you too!

When things slow down next month I am hoping to have a "I never get to
see my friends" party--maybe for St. Patty's Day or something? In the
meantime, know I'm thinking about you.

Love,
Christine

Hurricane Sandy (from a distance): Part II

Mercy

 

Don’t give up, I know you can see
All the world and the mess that we’re making
Can’t give up and hope God will intercede
Come on back, imagine that we could get it together

Stand up for what we need to be
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child
Can’t lay down and wait for a miracle to change things
So lift up your eyes, lift up your heart
Singing

Mercy, will we overcome this
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Me and you, and you, and you
just wanna be free, yeah, yeah
But you see
all the world is just as we’ve made it
And until we got a new world I’ve got to say
That love is not a whisper or a weakness
No, love is strong, and we got to get together
Yeah, gotta get, gotta get, gotta get
‘Til there is no reason to fight

Mercy, will we overcome this
Yeah, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Mercy, will we overcome this
Have we come too far to turn it around
Is it ask too much to be a little bit stronger
‘Cause I wanna give you what you need

Mercy, what will become of us
Yeah, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

 

~Dave Matthews
 

When I first really listened to the lyrics of this song, I knew they would end up representing something big. I said to Andy "this song is about changing the world." Little did I know it would be the world in our own backyard. I heard this song today driving from Austin to Dallas on the open highway on a bright sunny day. I've been big time homesick this week. People have said to me I was lucky to get away before the storm, I disagree. I've probably slept less than most people at home because I can not stop watching CNN and coverage of NY & NJ. Although I definitely consider PA home now, part of me belongs to NY and part of me belongs to NJ. I feel so helpless and I can't wait to do something. It is truly nauseating to see the destruction all along Sandy's path. I think this song should be our anthem right now, we can turn it all around together.

 

Hurricane Sandy (from a distance): Part I

I am eating at a place in Dallas called "Cindi's New York Delicatessen, Restaurant & Bakery". I finally peeled my eyes off the TV coverage of Hurricane Sandy. I slept with the TV on last night, and didn't really sleep much at all. It feels weird to be in a sunny, warm place.  In fact, you couldn't ask for a more  beautiful day. Everyone is acting normal, no panic in TX. 

I am used to watching hurricane coverage from afar, because they just don't directly hit the northeast. This time it's different, this time the hurricane is coming for us. The victims that lose their homes, pets, businesses---they will be our friends, family and neighbors. I remember what it felt like to watch the coverage of Katrina, Irene, Gustav, Felix, etc. Sitting there watching the reporters on TV---seeing people in shelters, not knowing whether their homes would survive, or where their pets were, or even the whereabouts of some family members. It was heart-wrenching, there was nothing I, or anyone else could do. Mother Nature is one of few things we as humans, have 0% control over. 

I am 1,500 miles away, but my heart is at home. I'm thinking about my sister in New York City, the Roth family beach houses in Avalon, the Hensler's in LBI, Vanessa & Keith near the water on Long Island, Brian's house in Sandy Hook, and so many more. I'm hoping and praying our loved ones stay safe, and that our homes can weather this storm. I feel helpless, and being this far away makes the helplessness that much more intense. I realize I wouldn't be able to do anything more if was home than I can do here. But, I'd be with Andy, I could help make sure everything was secure and help waterproof our things in the basement. And in some weird (and maybe twisted way), I kind of feel like I'm missing out on the experience. I feel like years from now, people will be reminiscing about Hurricane Sandy and everything that came with her---I won't be able to relate. I ran out of town, being left with news reporters to deliver the updates on the destruction and loss where we live. 

The pictures coming in from Avalon are leaving me speechless. I don't know what to say. They resemble the same hurricane pictures we've seen over & over again, but now we can relate to them. We know the street signs, the floating benches, broken docks. We can imagine what that streets will look like when people are able to return and access the damage. 

It has been hard for me to concentrate today. I didn't have appointments because I wasn't supposed to arrive until tomorrow afternoon. I tried to get as much work done as I could, but I will admit it wasn't a whole lot. I was glued to CNN and Facebook. Praying people are making smart decisions, that the damage isn't as bad as we think it will be and that we can quickly start rebuilding. 

Dear Olive Garden,

I owe you an apology. When I drive by one of your locations or see your commercials I shrug my shoulders and think to myself "who goes there?" I've always thought "Why would anyone go to Olive Garden when you can find authentic, family owned, really good Italian restaurants in every town on the East Coast?"

I forced myself to go to the fitness center in my hotel this evening. I spent an hour looking at menus for all of the restaurants in this part of Pittsburgh. It was already 8:00pm and I wanted something close, quick and was kind of craving a flatbread pizza. I'm not eating meat right now so that has made finding places to eat challenging in this city.

I looked at your menu online and the caprese flatbread caught my attention. I know your breadsticks and salad (really, your dressing) are your staple items and they are damn good. I remember from many trips to your Lawrenceville location during my high school days. So, as much as it killed me to break my "try local restaurants when you're in a new city" rule, I headed out to your location in Greentree.

I ordered a salad and the flatbread pizza with basil, tomatoes, cheese and garlic. I was pleasantly surprised when I was given a couple breadsticks to go along with my salad. I ate the entire thing. Everything was delicious.

My server was very sweet and friendly; sometimes I'm not treated that way when dining alone because no server likes serving a table for one. They automatically think "smaller tip". She called me honey and sweetheart which was kind of weird because I'd bet my life I'm 10 years older than her. It makes me feel weird when people use those terms unless you're my aunt or grandma---and when I'm much older than you it makes me feel even weirder. It's ok though, because at least she was being nice.

On my way out of the restaurant I even stopped to tell the manager how lovely my server was. Since starting a new job in November I dine out several times a week. I can tell you the amount of times I leave 100% satisfied are few and far between.

So, Olive Garden---I'm sorry for judging you and for cracking jokes about people that go to Olive Garden. Because tonight, I was one of those people, and everything was great!

Sincerely,
Christine

A Different Kind of Mourning

Most of the time when we think of mourning, we think of the loss of one's life. According to Webster's the definition for mourn is to feel or express grief or sorrow.

When my sister Kelly was little she went to "Karen's house." Karen was a saint of a baby-sitter that ran a small daycare out of her home in HamiIlton, NJ. I would go there too during the summer and when I had off from school because our mom worked full time. I remember late in the afternoon as parents would start to trickle in to pick up their kids, Karen would always have Oprah on the television. We spent most of our days there outside playing in the backyard or at her parents pool. When I think back, it was probably the one hour a day Karen (sort of) had "Karen time". We would always give her a hard time; "Oprah? Why do you always have to watch Oprah?

As I found myself sobbing on the couch, happy that I saved the last three episodes on our DVR to watch all at once, I thought back to Karen and how I ended up being just like her. It was hard for a seven year old to understand The Oprah Winfrey show and how significant an impact it made on millions of people everyday.As I started to grow up I'd watch Oprah with my friend Chrissy during the summer. I know there are people out there that can't stand Oprah (although I really don't know how that would be possible if you knew what kind of person she is, the good that she's done for tens of thousands of people, the awareness she has brought to countless worthy causes, her authenticity and the genuine messages she delivered everyday.)

I was in mourning, and I know that sounds silly. I was feeling a sense of loss. The tears fell down my face because I learned so much from Oprah's shows. I think about all of stories I've seen about everyday people that had something good or bad happen to them and how it changed my perspective or brought awareness. A lot of times the show made me want to be a better person and reminded me we all can make a difference in this world.

In high school and college I'd watch it here and there if I was home (which wasn't all that often at 4pm.) Since DVR came into the picture, I've seen every episode of Oprah. It was an hour of "me" time, whether I was on the elliptical or watching it on the couch. I rarely multi-tasked while I watched; no computer or magazines on my lap. I wanted to take it all in, whatever the message was that day.

During the last 25 episodes or so, everyday they counted down to how many were left. I started to wonder what the last show would be like. Who would be Oprah's guests? Would she do a final surprise giveaway?
How much emotion would she show? I have to say, in the end, her last show was perfect. It was as far away from self-congratulating and ego-centric as you can get. It was pretty much everything I've learned from Oprah summed up into one episode. It made me want to be a better person all over again, and to a greater degree. It made me think "who do I influence and how can I make a difference? How can I bring awareness? What causes do I truly care about?"

I am sad there is no more Oprah at 4pm during the week. I wonder if there will ever be another show with so much power and influence; it will be interesting to see if anyone can come close to what Oprah has accomplished.  

Some of my favorite parts of the show were...

So...

I don't sleep normally anymore. What is going on? I go to bed at night and can't turn off my mind. I lay there thinking about how tired I will be in the morning but can't fall asleep. A million thoughts run through my mind each night. A couple nights a week I end up coming downstairs because it drives me crazy to watch the minutes go by, just lying there.

I'm thinking about...

• the wedding: The things we still need to do---find officiant, figure out what the guys are wearing, make final invite list, gifts for wedding party & parents, wedding bands, playlist for dj, figure out music for ceremony, order bridesmaid gowns, figure out what to do for guest book, arrange babysitters, wedding vows, find place for rehearsal dinner, pick out readings, figure out who to ask to do readings, "in memory of" table, find hair style I like, figure out a way to spend time with out-of-town friends/family during the wedding weekend, where do we want go for honeymoon that is hurricane proof, am I going to love my dress after it is altered, etc.
• my diet/health: I've kept the weight off that I lost in early 2010. I'm still eating too much meat and need to make more of an effort to eat less. I don't eat enough fruits or vegetables. I've been skipping breakfast again. I've really been enjoying yoga but haven't done the elliptical since I started going to classes at the end of January. I have weak arms and can't do a push-up properly; need to lift weights. I'm excited about the vita-mix that I bought and can't wait to start making smoothies and juices made straight from whole fruits and veggies. I am also excited to surprise Andy and show him all of the things we can make with our own whole foods instead of buying processes (fill in the blank.)
• my sleep patterns: I'm stuck in a bad sleep pattern cycle. When it's time to go to bed my mind starts racing, I'm up late, and then I can't get up in the morning. Ideally I'd be getting up early enough to exercise in the morning at home before work. My plan is to start getting up 15 minutes earlier every day. I guess I will start the morning after my next good night's sleep.
• work: Things are picking up. I am seeing results from the targeted prospecting I've been doing for the last six months. I truly believe our magazine can deliver what any advertiser needs if they are looking to reach our demographic, which makes it easy for me to talk to people about the magazine. I am excited about the progression of the intern program and marketing initiatives I am responsible for but sometimes find myself frustrated with all of the extra time I'm putting in for very little payoff.
• my relationships: I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I was spoiled last year and even when I was at Comcast because I had a lot more time for friends and my family. I talk on the phone all day at work and the last thing I want to do at night is talk on the phone. The only quality time I have with Andy during the week are the few hours from when he gets home from work and bedtime. We usually don't finish dinner until about 8:00. I've been trying to fit in yoga and ideally would be doing it 3-4 times a week (they don't offer any early morning classes). Ignite meetings are only in the evenings and I don't get home until at least 8:30 when I attend. I beat myself up because I feel bad about not calling, emailing, visiting enough. I often feel like no matter what I do it's not enough. I'm lucky to have so many people in my life that I care about, but I'm spread thin. Not sure how to fix this. I wish there was a way for certain people to know how often I think about them.

So, how do we add hours to the day? I guess I really do need to start getting up earlier. Which means I need to go to bed earlier than 12:40am. I'll get there. I know I'm not the only person that feels this way. And we don't even have kids yet.





Taking the plunge!

I think I'm in love!

We've all been there. You see an infomercial and want to call the 800 # before they say "but wait, there's more!" Or, you're walking around Costco and you see a demo for some awesome 'something or other' and it takes more will power than you'd like to admit not to buy one on the spot. For me, it was the homeshow...year after year after year.

Now, let's talk about why I've found myself at one or more of the local home shows every year (almost) since 2006. I've worked in magazine and cable advertising for over five years, many of my clients have been home improvement oriented companies...they all exhibit at the home shows. I either go to visit clients, or go to find clients.  I question why people who don't have to be there would spend a beautiful sunny day at a home show...apparently people get really excited about free frisbees and chip clips.

It never fails, I find myself sucked into the demos. The magic mops, super absorbent towels, exercise equipment---these are the ones I watch for just a few minutes. As for the $2,000 pots & pans and the Vita-Mix; they've drawn me in for 15, 20 even sometimes 30 minutes. I stand there saying to myself "can this product possibly be worth the money?"

I've probably seen 8-10 Vita-Mix demonstrations. Assume I watched each one for 15 minutes (it's probably more like 20-30 minutes) and that's at least 2 hours of buying into the Vita-Mix hype. I tasted the samples. watched magic happen in that thing that looks like a blender but is presented as "so much more!" Every time I'd come home and read reviews and find nothing less than 5 stars no matter the source. Could this really be worth $400+?

After spending a Sunday afternoon in March distributing approximately 1,500 copies of Suburban Life magazine I willed myself to walk around and introduce myself to some of the exhibitors that could be potential advertisers. I rounded one of the corners and there it was, the Vita-Mix demo. It started with a sample of fruit juice, then salsa, then tortilla soup, then peach sorbet. My desire to buy this super-duper blender surged and I kept trying to tell myself I was crazy to even think about spending this kind of money on a blender. Albeit super-duper, it was still a blender and it cost a lot of money.

"It's not just a blender" the demo guy says, "it's a chopper, food-processor, dough maker, ice cream machine, juicer, blender-in-one. Think of all of the appliances you won't need to buy if you buy this one machine." He had a point. I've been working on our wedding registry and just added a number of the aforementioned appliances. They add up to well over $400. It's made in the US. It has an 8 year warranty.

The combination of the woman standing around the demo raving about the Vita-Mix she bought recently trying to convince her friend to buy one, my desire to incorporate more whole foods, fruits and vegetables into our diet, my desire to cut out processed foods as much as possible and the realization that I've been eyeing one of these for over 5 years made me do it.

Sign me up, I'm in. Here's my credit card. No looking back.

I took the plunge.

Just Me Talking

I'm finding the new show "Boardwalk Empire" hard to get into, and I really wanted to love it. I don't know what it is, I just don't like it.

I'm mad at myself that I haven't exercised in so long, and I have NO desire to start. I would like to start practicing yoga again, but I need to do cardio and lift weights too. I've always been on again/off again with exercise. How do I keep myself motivated so I don't fall off the wagon this time? Exercising again starts tomorrow, there, now I'm accountable; it's in writing.

I was looking at a (long) list of books I have written down that I want to read. There are hundreds. I think I'd have to live to be 1,000 to read all of the books on this list. I haven't read a book from start to finish in months. Another thing on my "do-for-me" to do list.

I'm super excited about the UGG snowboats I won on Ebay last night for 1/2 price. They were used for display and are practically brand new. It kind of makes me look forward to snow (sort of).

I'm really happy for all of my friends that are pregnant or have recently had babies. It feels like there have been a lot of babies born over the last couple of months, I haven't even gotten to meet them all yet. On the other hand, my heart breaks for several people I know that are trying to get pregnant. We hear about awful parenting everyday on the news, and I always think "why do they get to be parents when I have friends who would be fantastic parents and would do anything to have a child?"

My 30th birthday is about four months away. I think that's kind of crazy, where did this year go?

This Phillies team is just so much fun to watch. They seem like they genuinely like each other and make it so easy for the fans to love them. I'm hoping they get another W tonight, I want to go to another playoff game!

We finally started cleaning out the garage and storage shed yesterday. There is something refreshing about getting rid of stuff, especially when you can donate it. How do we all end up with so much stuff?!?

Today was the closest I've come to "doing nothing" in a long time. I keep getting sick and I just needed to slow down this weekend. It was kind of nice, and I only thought about all of the things I need to do a handful of times.

Just Me Talking

I find myself thinking of things I want to write about all of the time. I make lists of "blog ideas" but never actually sit down and get my thoughts out on paper (or screen, I guess). The author of a blog I read regularly often has "late night talking" posts. I enjoy reading them and imagine she at least feels she's journaling, albeit in a very brief form. I'm going to give it a shot without putting a daily expectation on myself like I did with my Gratitude section.  I have been keeping track of things I'm grateful for in my daily planner but clearly I've fallen behind on posting them. I will continue my Gratitude blog entries because it teaches me (and you if you do it) that everyday good things happen.  Once in a while I'll blog about the things that I can't stop thinkng about, things I am struggling with and whatever else...

Bottled Up...

I have a list of "blog topics" piling up in an email I send to myself every so often. I have the intentions of writing about things that are on my mind and then don't ever follow through. I feel like I have thousands of thoughts bottled up but I don't have the time to let them out. 

No matter how much running around I do I can't (and don't) make everyone happy. I often feel I'm being pulled in several directions, and I don't even have kids yet. My relationships with the people in my life are very important to me, and I never feel "caught up." I also hate feeling like I'm disappointing friends/family.

I've fallen off the wagon with exercise (again.) My problem is I have no desire to do it---ever. I need someone to show up at my doorstep and make me do it, I just don't want to (and shouldn't) pay what it costs to have a trainer. I should be able to get my ass moving on my own. I want a flatter stomach and less flabby arms and it's not going to happen by just "thinking about" exercise. Why can't I be one of those people that "love running"---or are they all just lying?

We're almost 75% of the way through this year, hard to believe isn't it? I am pleased with myself for sticking with this blog (although I get wayyyy backed up sometimes.) But all of those other things I was aiming for have faded. Time to get back on track...

I remember like it was yesterday...

the day LeRoi passed away. I was thankful I was in attendance at his last show with the band at Nissan Pavillion in June 2008. I was tearful the first time I saw DMB after his passing (my 100th show) when they opened with bartender. I am happy for all of the things (and people) this band and their music have brought to my life.

These were my thoughts they day after his passing. I still feel the same way today:

Yesterday afternoon I lost a friend, along with all of the Dave Matthews Band fans out there. He didn't know me personally, nor did I know him personally---but I still feel a loss greater than what I normally feel when a "celebrity" passes away. I guess that's because LeRoi wasn't a celebrity to me, he was a fantastic musician with a big heart and one of the founders of a band that has been such a huge part of my life.

I can't imagine how hard it was for the remaining band members to take the stage last night, they truly did lose a brother. The Dave Matthews Band has been together for almost two decades and have spent more time together than apart. And the family that the DMB community is and has been for so long is what is so incredible to me---the band needed the fans last night to help them with their grief. I know some of you out there don't understand how us crazy DMB fans have gone to 70,80,90 (I've been to 98 and have a few friends that have been to over 200) shows, but it's like visiting old friends when you see those guys up on that stage, while getting to hear some of the best music ever written at the same time. I can't believe I have to say "I was at LeRoi's last show with the band" because none of us thought the ATV accident was going to end up like this.

If it weren't for Roi taking Dave's demo tape seriously and recruiting Carter to play with them who knows if the band would have ever formed? This band and their music have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life, years ago their concerts were the only things I looked forward to. As I grew out of that depressed stage after high school I continued to fall in love with their music, their attitudes on life and made amazing friends that are all somehow connected to DMB. I've visited some of the most beautiful places in this country with some of the most beautiful people I know all because of this band. And somehow I managed to meet the love of my life because I desperately needed to find tickets (the night before) to a show in Pittsburgh and bought them from him. I can't even imagine how different my life would be without the Dave Matthews Band.

May LeRoi rest in peace, he will be greatly missed both on the stage and off. I hope he forms another band up there in heaven with all of the other great musicians we've lost too early.